Author Archives: The World According to Wibby
In which Wibby first encounters the concept of performance art
“Well, how drunk do you have to be to enjoy that kind of a show?”
Margaret: You haven’t gotten out of your gown yet?
Margaret: Are you sick?
Wibby: No, I just didn’t feel like getting dressed. I’m eighty years old now, and I can do whatever in the hell I want.
In which Wibby tells her grandchildren the story of how she came to be born in her own grandmother’s bed
Margaret: Feeling any better today?
Wibby: Yes, but my back is still bothering me a little.
Margaret: Maybe I should give the doctor a call.
Wibby: No, I think all my back really needs is a milkshake.
In which Wibby contemplates dinner
Wibby: Oh, I woke you up!
Margaret: That’s okay; I need to get up anyway.
Wibby: Oh, good. I’ve been wondering what we’re having for supper tonight.
Margaret: Mom, it’s 8 in the morning.
Wibby: I know. I’ve been wondering about it for the last two hours.
Eye doctor: Did either of your parents suffer macular degeneration?
Eye doctor: Is either of your parents still living?
Wibby: Doctor, you need to have your eyes checked. Can’t you see how old I am?
Bucket hat, summer edition
Someone’s been a naughty girl
Heading to the dentist, trying to be brave
An unexpected side effect of cicada infestation
Margaret: What’s that?
Wibby: Oh, it’s just a really messy pile of dog poop; I think Emma ate too many cicadas.
Margaret: But it’s white.
Wibby: That’s because I sprinkled a little flour on it.
Margaret: Mom, why did you sprinkle flour on the dog diarrhea?
Wibby: Just to give my nosy daughter something to wonder about.
In which Wibby draws the line
“Well, I give up. I was working in the yard, and FOUR cicadas landed on my neck, and that’s when I came inside. I can’t plant flowers during a plague.”
The reason doctors love Wibby
“I’m so happy to meet you, Dr. Lee. I can tell you make people feel better just by walking in the room.”
Before Wibby loved bucket hats, she loved circle skirts
In which Wibby contemplates the male form
Wibby: Oh, good Lord, just look at that man’s shoulders!
Margaret: Mom, I never knew you had a thing for shoulders.
Wibby: Well, it’s true. But your father didn’t take part in the kinds of sports that build up big shoulders, and I loved every square inch of him anyway.
Happy Easter from Wibby (who made her own outfit – and everyone else’s, too)
Wibby is afraid of the dentist
Margaret: Mom, you’re not wearing your seatbelt.
Wibby: That’s because I’m hoping you’ll turn a corner real sharp and throw me out of the car.
In which, without a word, Emma rejects Wibby’s bucket hat
In which Wibby rides out the storm
Margaret: Mom, you need to go sit in the hallway till the tornado siren stops sounding.
Wibby: Well, I can’t do that. When I saw what a mess it is out there, I just thought, ‘Oh, what the hell. I might as well take my pants off and go back to bed.’ So I did, and I’m not leaving now.
“I know I can be a bitch sometimes, but you can be a bitch sometimes, too, so I figure it all works out in the wash.”
In which Tony sings to Wibby
In which Wibby waits for Tony Bennett to arrive
Sam isn’t sure what he thinks about Wibby’s hat
This is not your grandma’s Sunday morning service
In which Wibby has a secret
The effects of seasonal-affective disorder
Nurse: How have you been feeling since we last saw you?
Wibby: I’ve been feeling just fine, except whenever it snows for a week. Then I don’t feel good, I don’t act good, and I’m mean to people.
In which Wibby does her best Scarlett O’Hara impersonation
“Now, when you come home tonight, DON’T walk between the car and the garage because Emma pooped over there. I started out to scoop it up, but it was way down there on the ground, so I just dropped the spade and came on in the house. I’ll worry about it tomorrow.”
Wibby and Blind Pew
In which Wibby models her favorite bucket hat
Wibby is fond of bucket hats
Wibby: Will you get on your computer and order this bucket hat for me?
Margaret: Mom, you have a million bucket hats.
Wibby: No, I don’t; I have six, and the last time I checked, Miss Smartypants, there were still seven days in the week.
Someone thinks she’s a Christmas present
Wibby: Help me think of the name of a movie. It has Jane Wyman and Rock Hudson in it.
Marie: What’s the plot?
Wibby: They fall in love!
Marie: Is it “Magnificent Obsession”?
Wibby: That’s it!
Wibby, the Auburn graduate
“I tell you what, the nicest thing about living in Tennessee is not having to listen to all those awful Roll Tide fans.”
Dappled dachshund in dappled light
Wibby’s latest dachshund-deluding tactic
“I need to come over to comb my hair and put on my lipstick. If Emma sees me getting ready to go out, she hides under the sofa so I can’t put her in the crate.”
Margaret: Are you putting mayonnaise on your pasta?
Wibby: I’m putting mayonnaise on my pasta AND my salad. I might put mayonnaise on my foot, too, in case you’re wondering.”
Wibby has big plans for her birthday
“I’m celebrating by going to the beauty shop. I’m sick and tired of looking like a Halloween witch.”
And drinks pretty much anything, too
Henry: We need syrup.
Haywood: I just bought a whole thing of syrup.
Henry: But Emma drank it all when she climbed up on the table that time.
Haywood and Wibby were born on the same day
In fact, Emma eats pretty much anything
Introducing Wibby’s dog, Emma
Contraband foodstuffs Wibby’s 10-pound dachshund has secretly dragged under the bed and eaten during the past two weeks:
- three granola bars
- two small boxes of raisins
- one bag of gorp
- one-third of a large box of dog treats
- a previously unopened bag of Swedish Fish
- an avocado
And that’s not counting the two cups of coffee she climbed up on the coffee table to drink.
In Which Wibby watches her grandson’s prom video
“Oh, those poor girls’ feet. No one can dance in those shoes. Someone should line up all the shoe designers in this country and shoot them in the head.”
In which Wibby considers target practice
“I’ve never run over an animal in my life, but I bet I could get a squirrel if I tried.”
In which Wibby and Margaret celebrate (perhaps a little too exuberantly) Sam’s graduation
Wibby and Billy wait in a very hot gym for Sam to graduate
Fifty years ago today
It’s fun to make Wibby happy
Margaret: Did Wibby like the milkshake you took her?
Joe: She LOVED it! She actually squealed when she saw it. It’s nice to do stuff for people who squeal when they’re happy.
Wibby’s Easter proclamation
“I’m so happy. Jesus is risen, and I can wear my white pants.”