“Well, how drunk do you have to be to enjoy that kind of a show?”

Margaret: You haven’t gotten out of your gown yet?

Wibby: Nope.

Margaret: Are you sick?

Wibby: No, I just didn’t feel like getting dressed. I’m eighty years old now, and I can do whatever in the hell I want.

Margaret: Feeling any better today?

Wibby: Yes, but my back is still bothering me a little.

Margaret: Maybe I should give the doctor a call.

Wibby: No, I think all my back really needs is a milkshake.

Wibby: Oh, I woke you up!

Margaret: That’s okay; I need to get up anyway.

Wibby: Oh, good. I’ve been wondering what we’re having for supper tonight.

Margaret: Mom, it’s 8 in the morning.

Wibby: I know. I’ve been wondering about it for the last two hours.

Eye doctor: Did either of your parents suffer macular degeneration?

Wibby: No.

Eye doctor: Is either of your parents still living?

Wibby: Doctor, you need to have your eyes checked. Can’t you see how old I am?

Margaret: What’s that?

Wibby: Oh, it’s just a really messy pile of dog poop; I think Emma ate too many cicadas.

Margaret: But it’s white.

Wibby: That’s because I sprinkled a little flour on it.

Margaret: Mom, why did you sprinkle flour on the dog diarrhea?

Wibby: Just to give my nosy daughter something to wonder about.

“Well, I give up. I was working in the yard, and FOUR cicadas landed on my neck, and that’s when I came inside. I can’t plant flowers during a plague.”

“I’m so happy to meet you, Dr. Lee. I can tell you make people feel better just by walking in the room.”

Wibby: Oh, good Lord, just look at that man’s shoulders!

Margaret: Mom, I never knew you had a thing for shoulders.

Wibby: Well, it’s true. But your father didn’t take part in the kinds of sports that build up big shoulders, and I loved every square inch of him anyway.

Margaret: Mom, you’re not wearing your seatbelt.

Wibby: That’s because I’m hoping you’ll turn a corner real sharp and throw me out of the car.

Margaret: Mom, you need to go sit in the hallway till the tornado siren stops sounding.

Wibby: Well, I can’t do that. When I saw what a mess it is out there, I just thought, ‘Oh, what the hell. I might as well take my pants off and go back to bed.’ So I did, and I’m not leaving now.

“I know I can be a bitch sometimes, but you can be a bitch sometimes, too, so I figure it all works out in the wash.”

Nurse: How have you been feeling since we last saw you?

Wibby: I’ve been feeling just fine, except whenever it snows for a week. Then I don’t feel good, I don’t act good, and I’m mean to people.

“Now, when you come home tonight, DON’T walk between the car and the garage because Emma pooped over there. I started out to scoop it up, but it was way down there on the ground, so I just dropped the spade and came on in the house. I’ll worry about it tomorrow.”

Wibby: Will you get on your computer and order this bucket hat for me?

Margaret: Mom, you have a million bucket hats.

Wibby: No, I don’t; I have six, and the last time I checked, Miss Smartypants, there were still seven days in the week.

Wibby: Help me think of the name of a movie. It has Jane Wyman and Rock Hudson in it.

Marie: What’s the plot?

Wibby: They fall in love!

Marie: Is it “Magnificent Obsession”?

Wibby: That’s it!

“I tell you what, the nicest thing about living in Tennessee is not having to listen to all those awful Roll Tide fans.”

“I need to come over to comb my hair and put on my lipstick. If Emma sees me getting ready to go out, she hides under the sofa so I can’t put her in the crate.”

Margaret: Are you putting mayonnaise on your pasta?

Wibby: I’m putting mayonnaise on my pasta AND my salad. I might put mayonnaise on my foot, too, in case you’re wondering.”

“I’m celebrating by going to the beauty shop. I’m sick and tired of looking like a Halloween witch.”

Henry: We need syrup.

Haywood: I just bought a whole thing of syrup.

Henry: But Emma drank it all when she climbed up on the table that time.

Contraband foodstuffs Wibby’s 10-pound dachshund has secretly dragged under the bed and eaten during the past two weeks:

• three granola bars
• two small boxes of raisins
• one bag of gorp
• one-third of a large box of dog treats
• a previously unopened bag of Swedish Fish
• an avocado
  

And that’s not counting the two cups of coffee she climbed up on the coffee table to drink.

“Oh, those poor girls’ feet. No one can dance in those shoes. Someone should line up all the shoe designers in this country and shoot them in the head.”

“I’ve never run over an animal in my life, but I bet I could get a squirrel if I tried.”

Margaret: Did Wibby like the milkshake you took her?

Joe: She LOVED it! She actually squealed when she saw it. It’s nice to do stuff for people who squeal when they’re happy.

“I’m so happy. Jesus is risen, and I can wear my white pants.”